CHARACTERS

This is Carl. He is a bicycle courier. Carl eats skittles. Carls biggest fear is a car door opening unexpectedly in his path causing him to fly off over the handle bars of his bicycle at great speed smashing his face against the window of the car door and slowly sliding down it with a haunting screech. This has only happened three times. Three times too many says Carl. Quiet Carl I'm writing a description. Carl hopes to make you happy. Carl says hi!

This is Fran. She just moved to Portugal to live off the land. She will miss her cat Snoop Catty Cat, who she loves, despite the fact Snoop shat in her suitcase just before she left. Fran loves Nirvana. Her favorite song is Heart Shaped Box. Fran says hi!

This is Kit. She is an illustrator. Kit just googled what you’ve been talking about for the last twenty minutes and it turns out “you’re wrong”. Easy Kit! We’re trying to make friends here. Kit likes binge watching Arrested Development and making her special Jalapeño Mac and Cheese. Kit raised an eyebrow and nodded, which is her way of saying hi!

This is Sam. Sam will meet an Alien before she dies. Sam has a pet octopus called Claire, named after it’s incredible clairvoyant abilities, which help Sam with all her critical life decisions. Sam says hi!

This is Trey. Trey makes beats and plays SNES. He says the old consoles are the best and gaming peaked in 1991 which is 10 years before he was born. Tre lights candles and once burnt his studio down while creating ambience. Trey says hi!

This is Jed. Jed got lost at Joshua Tree and forgot to pack sunscreen. Jed likes to sun-gaze in order to recharge his soul, however, due to his mushroom “micro dose” being more of a “massive f’ing dose”, he has damaged his retinas and now has purple blotches in front of his eyes, which he uses to predict the future. Jed say hi!

This is Sesh. You’ve met him at every music festival ever. Sesh is part of the chemical generation and is looking for recruits. At 3am he will play Primal Scream - Come Together and announce an imminent “cuddle puddle” He has optimism in bounds and is loyal to the bone. Sesh wants me to tell you to stick on Danny Tenaglia Music Is The Answer, Sesh This isn’t a request line, I’m writing your bio! Sesh just walked off and said he’ll meet you at the front left speaker. Good ol’ Sesh!

This is Xavier. Xavier is a primary school teacher. Although you would never guess that if you met him on a night out. He is great at his job, and has only been rumbled for coming in to work after no sleep once. A big achievement for somebody never off the dancefloor. Xavier makes his own milk from cashews, loves to travel and has seen every wonder of the world apart from Petra Jordan which he hopes to see within the next two years. Xavier’s biggest dream is to open his own butterfly sanctuary. Xavier says hi!

This is London. Her parents named her after a place they had never been in the hopes that she’ll one day hope to go there. London has no interest in London. Except as a stop over to get to Milan, Barcelona or Paris. She asked her Dad what he would think if he bumped into an English guy called San Fransisco? Her Dad said, I’d buy him a beer and tell him what great taste in names his parents must have had. London facepalmed and the conversation ended there. London likes creating custom clothes and loves telling people she doesn’t own a TV even though she watches four hours of Netflix a night on her laptop. London’s biggest dream is to be a stunt motorcyclist inside one of those round cages, but right now she’ll have to settle for a spin on her new Kawasaki ZX-25R. London says hi!

This is Doug. If it can be put together, Doug can take it apart… now whether he can put it back together again the way it was remains to be seen, but at least his attitude is amongst the poorest in the whole county. He can do the job tomorrow no problem, it’s the parts you see, they’ll take about two weeks to come from Canada. Doug has four children, Doug Jnr, Douglas, Dougina and Dougy. His wife’s name is Fromage. Doug says hi!

This is Soul. Don’t let his cool calm demeanor fool you, he is lost in 'This forrest. Luckily he has plenty of battery on those headphones and playlists for days… ironically it was being lost in the music that lead to him losing concentration and get lost in the woods. Silly ol Soul. Soul says hi!

This is Gaia, her first art exhibition entitled “Art is Shit” opens next Wednesday and is expected to be well received by hipsters and critics alike. Containing ironic pieces such as “Mediocrity” “Blah” and “This does nothing for me”, - “Art is Shit” is set to be a career defining debut. When Gaia is not painting she is drinking coffee and people watching. She is conceptualizing her next body of work provisionally titled “People are Shit”. Gaia says hi!

Simply called “The Poet”. The Poet believes that words are stronger than actions, an act can last a minute but words… words can last a lifetime. Recite them well enough and they will never die. The Poet has written twenty four books of fancy and musings. Sticks and stones may brake his bones, but words they are his army. The Poet says hi!

This is Peaches. She is over it. Your negativity is your problem and she won’t let it ruin her day. Peace and love. Peaches is a talented hair stylist who can pretty much do any style you want, but for her own hair she just shaves it off and dyes it coz she can’t be arsed. She does house calls if you’re interested. Peaches says hi!

This is Omar. He is a Therapist. If you need an appointment he can squeeze you in aÒny time really, his calendar is wide open. He is the celebrated author of hit therapy training books “How to look like you're listening“ and “It's not your fault, and other lies you tell your patients“. He is currently writing a spy novel where the lead character gains access to the bad guys plans by posing as his Therapist. Omar would like you to know it is NOT based on real life and any comparisons to real life figures is purely accidental. Omar says hi!

This is Luna. Dance Music is her religion, and every weekend she makes sure to give it up for the good Lord. You’ll find her, hands in the air at the altar of her favorite DJs, late into Saturday night and all the way through Sunday Service. If she’s not currently raving, she’s planning the next one. She’ll do anything for her friends, but you better not mistake her kindness for weakness. She’ll eat you alive. Luna says hi!

This is Mr McGregor. Mr McGregor is a much loved member of Murlyn’s elderly home. Oftentimes Mr McGregor is in a catatonic state. However, when stimulated by music and images from his past, Mr McGregor blooms into life and a wide smile takes over his face. He loves the wind on his skin and the music of Fats Waller. Say hi to Mr McGregor!

This is Karate Ken. Teaching your kids discipline since 1992, Ken has one goal - Go Over All Limits. Karate is life, and life is Karate. Ken was once thrown into a rubbish bin by a bully as a child. The next day he got back into the bin, waited for the bully to walk by, jumped out and tackled the bully to the ground whilst covered in smelly bin juice. He was subsequently put back into the bin as the bully was strong, but he never forgot This day as it was the day he decided to learn KARATE! Ken says HIYA!

This is Luke. Luke is president of the AV club and collects spiders in jars. This summer he wants to catch a squirrel and eat it. Let’s just say we’re all a little worried about Luke. Luke is an intellectual. It won’t take you long to figure that out, as he’ll tell you within five minutes of meeting. Luke read the entire Lord Of The Rings Trilogy in twenty hours over a long weekend. Luke says hi!

This is Onwards. He’s an artist. One with the earth and in tune with the music. Onwards is a call to action. Onwards is the direction home. Keep moving forward - for after Onwards, there is only upwards.

This is Luis. Luis never misses a game at his beloved LAFC. He sings for 90 minutes. He bangs the drums and waves the flags. Win, Lose or Draw, Luis is LAFC til he dies and doesn’t care who knows it. When he is not at the stadium in the 3252, he is fund raising and helping his community. Luis says hi!

This is Anderson. Anderson runs the local pet store. Although he doesn’t take his work home, sometimes it follows him! Like This little fella Petey the Parakeet. Anderson decided to keep Petey for himself as he clearly didn’t want to be separated. Anderson has taught Petey fifteen words and even some phrases, such as “Where’s my money!” and “I saw what you did when you thought you were alone”. It gives Anderson endless hours of amusement. Anderson says hi! Petey says “Where’s my money!!!!”

This is Keith. Keith is divorced. Keith has now decided to be exactly who he wants to be, in every moment, unapologetically. And Keith wants to party! Much to the dismay of his teenage children, who have been known to embarrassingly bump into Keith on a night out while he’s shouting “And my wife said I was boring! Look at me now Heather, I’ve got my own shopping trolly, weeeeeeeeee! What have YOU got???… Apart from the house”. Keith has a heart of gold, he just wants his youth back. Keith says hi!

This is Erik. Erik has no idea who he is. He’s tried being a skateboarder, a fashionista, even the owner of a flower shop. But nothing has quite grabbed him and said “This is me!”. He’s not worried about it. Just a bit “eh”. Erik watches a lot of murder shows and is just happy he’s not a murderer… at least up until now, who knows what the future holds. Erik says hi! You better say hi back….

This is Patsy. Patsy is the head teacher at the local school. She writes her own children’s books and reads them out for all the children. She encourages the children to write and draw too and sometimes includes their drawings in her books. When asked how she writes so well, she’ll often reply “Wine”. When that is followed up by a laugh and then “No, seriously” She doubles down and says “Wine and cigarettes” And that’s why she is yet to featured in the Murlyn’s Local School Review Paper (Head Teachers Edition). And guess what. She couldn’t give a shit. Patsy says hi!

This is Arlo. Arlo became a multi millionaire in 20 seconds after his NFT drop “Escobars Hippos” sold out instantly. He’s bought his mum a car, his dad a boat, and paid to fix the school roof. His money isn’t running out anytime soon. He might never go to school again. Arlo says hi!

This is Heather. Heather is a recent divorcee and new mother. No, the child is not from her marriage but from a fling with a spritely young eighty seven year old. A legend in his prime but he can’t quite remember why… but enough about him, This is about Heather! Heather likes interior design and planning events, even if it is only her women’s only weekly book club. This weeks book “Men, They’re Just Women with Willies & Half the Talent” Heather says hi!

This is Jenkins, at eighty seven he has just become a father. He doesn’t know how either! Quite literally. Jenkins has trouble remembering things like birthdays, appointments, even his girlfriend Heather entirely. Don’t let his old frail demeanor fool you! He may be eighty seven, but he dances like an eighty six year old, and when he dances, he lights up the room. His hip hop drop from a post op flop routine at a local dance event took home the gold and was so realistic it even ended with him being taken from the competition in an ambulance. What a guy! Jenkins says hi!

This is Lance. He plays Bass. Lance loves Bootsy Collins, Primus and Thundercat. Lances bass guitar sleeps in his bed just incase inspiration strikes in the middle of the night. When Lance is not playing bass he is writing code. Supremely intelligent, arrogant, sarcastic and cutting. Not many people like Lance, but the ones who do LOVE him. Lance says hi!

This is Cara. An Irish girl who puts the ROCK in Shamrock! Her band “Pussy Arcade” have been described as “Not for the faint hearted” and a recent review read, “What did I think of it??? Jesus, the sound of war would have been more pleasurable”. Despite This they sell out every local show they do, much to the delight of the bars, who sell twice as much beer due to half of it being thrown in the air as soon as the moshing commences. Cara says “GET READY TO ROCK!”

Dis is Klaus. Klaus ist ein Zuperstar Synthesizer Meister. Ü vanna hear more buy a ticket… Klaus isn’t Santa Klaus, der is a price für dis info. Klaus says Hallo!

This is Arrow. Arrow has quotation mark tattoos on his face coz his eye’s are a statement. Arrow has absolutely no musical talent but joined the band because he had a crush on Cara. Let’s just say Cara is not quite interested in Arrows. She’s more of a target girl. Arrow loves being onstage and close to the music. When he hits that triangle, you better believe he means it with every bone in his body. Arrow says hi!

This is V. She is V talented. V direct. V impulsive. V Charismatic and V V V funny. She has a V good singing voice and can shatter a wine glass… not with her voice, she’s just a rockstar who downs drinks and throws glasses at walls. Go see her band Pussy Arcade. They’ll rock your socks off and leave you blistered and bleeding on the dancefloor screaming for more. V says hi!

This is Diva. Listening to Diva shredding up that guitar will take you closer to god. It’s understandable why she is the most worshiped member of Pussy Arcade, but without V and Cara the power triangle is not complete. Once together they are a force of nature! Diva would like to dedicate This next one to the triangle. Diva says hi!

This is Rudi. Rudi does not like going to the barbers. Unfortunately his father is “The Big Snipper” a famous and lucrative barber. Rudi’s father takes it personally that Rudi has been dodging his chair for years and even leading a “grow it and show it” movement from within his family which has whipped up a staggering following of two. Rudi and his brother Soul. Rudi may look like he is in the chair right now but don’t worry, he has one hundred and one distractions up his sleeve to draw his father’s attention away from the chair and then he’ll make a run for it. Rudi says hi!

This is Rey. He wants to go pro. Unfortunately for Rey there is no ice in his hometown so he’s shit out of luck. At least he looks cool in his pads. Rey says hi!

This is Paul. He is a professional gamer. Paul invested three thousand dollars in This egg shaped chair and regards it as the best investment he’s made since stocking his freezer to the brim with hot pocket pizzas. Paul is considering insuring his thumbs. If they were to ever burn out, who knows what he’d do… certainly not go back to work at his Dad’s car wash that’s for sure. Paul says hi!

This is The Spirit Man. A celestial dance momentarily embodied in the form of a human. The Spirit Man has long since abandoned the name his parents gave to his body, but if you must know, it was John. The Spirit Man rises at 4am and partakes in a coffee ceremony followed by a slice of toast ceremony. Then begins “the walking of the dogs” ritual, culminating in the great poop sacrifice and the blessing of the doggy bag.  He will then fast until lunch, after which he will fast again, This time until dinner - not taking into account the ceremony of the snacks of course. At nightfall the astral journey begins with an offering of gin and also tonic. Elderflower is added to enhance the celestial palate. Then it is off to bed for The Spirit Man as he must journey into the world of dreams as there is much work to be done before sunrise. The Spirit Man says hi!

This is Officer Kane. This is not the official uniform of the Murlyn police. Officer Kane bought it himself online. His glasses are not prescription, they just look bad ass. And his K9 support officer, is not a trained police dog, it’s just his dog fluffy. Officer Kane wants to wash the scum from the streets but he’s having a little trouble finding it. Officer Kane says stay outta trouble kid.

This is Sergeant Michael Mooney. He loves his bubble tea. Although he is yet to learn it’s name, often ordering it like “I’ll have a cup of the stuff with all the balls in it”. Sergeant Mooney believes bubble tea is “The Future!” Unbeknownst to most of Murlyn’s residents, Sergeant Mooney has long since retired from the police force. He just kept his uniform and patrolled the streets taking names in his little pocket book. A new wave of police moved into Murlyn recently and due to an oversight they assumed he was still an active sergeant and now they all report to him. The only problem being Sergeant Michael Mooney, due to his old age, is a sandwich short of a picnic. Sergeant Mooney says hi!

This is Mayor Shifty. Mayor Shifty wants you to know that he earned the nickname Shifty from putting in a good shift! And not from any of his shady dealings... he means erm... any... shady dealings... which he definitely does NOT do and detests. Anyone caught being shady on his watch will be dealt with in a serious and deadly manner. The mayor wants to clarify that he will not kill shady people. It was merely a figure of speech. The Mayor of Murlyn wants you to enjoy his town and invites you to one of his famous banquets. Yeah I know who banquets anymore? Mayor Shifty does that’s who! Mayor Shifty says hi!

This is Pixel. Pixel runs BamBams Arcade. She has the highest score on Street Warrior. Sometimes she resets the machine to give someone else a chance just to obliterate their score at the end of the day. In her spare time Pixel likes to skate and listen to Aphex Twin. Pixel says hi!

This is Sandy. Sandy formed The IntoxiNaked Parents Society Yodlers, or “Tipsy” for short, while on a blind date with Keith. Unfortunately she is now barred from the restaurant the date took place in due to “Slamming her naked buttock on the card reader whilst yodeling and repeatedly asking ‘Do you take Buttcoin?!?’” as the police report describes it. Sandy is a doctor. Sandy says hi!

This is Clive. Clive made his own first skateboard from a plank wood and some shopping cart wheels at 8 years old. He took that board to the steepest street in his neighborhood and let fly. Unfortunately Clive had not anticipated the obvious problem. Shopping cart wheels spin around. Clive went head over heels and landed directly onto his face. This would be the first of many falls in Clives skateboarding career. Clive hopes to emulate the great Tony Hawk. Clive says hi!

This is Stefii. Stefii spells her name with two I’s so that it stands out and people remember her. In the history of her life no one has ever spelt her name correctly. In Starbucks, the home of name spelling mishaps, she asks for an empty cup along with her order and writes her own name properly on it in hope of advertising how her name is spelt to her colleges when she returns to work. The outcome can only be described as a total failure. Stefii is an intern at the local TV station. She hopes to be on camera one day. Perhaps telling the weather. Then her name will be on screen and surely people will remember it. But for now she’ll get the coffees.

This is Tina! Tina is a talented landscape photographer. Recently Tina went to Iceland and took the most incredible pictures of Vatnajokull National Park. She even captured the breathtaking Aurora Borealis at Jokulsarlon glacier lagoon. Tina wants to release a coffee table book of all her landscape photographs taken all over the world. Nothing will ever be as good as seeing what she’s seen with the naked eye, but her photography is the closest you’ll ever get. Tina says smile! *click*

This is Mr Mysterioso and his rabbit Charles. There have been 14 Charles’. This lead to Mr Mysterioso’s catch phrase “Where did the rabbit go? No really… They cost me money!” It always gets a laugh at his show but it makes him cry inside. Where do they go? Mr Mysterioso likes to believe that all the Charles’ live together in a magical kingdom but he’s starting to think the weird old lady who lives across from the auditorium finds them and hoards them. Why else would she keep her curtains closed at all times of day?? Mr Mysterioso says Shazam and Abracadabra!

This is Mrs Morning. Mrs Morning wants you to tell that damn magician that she doesn't have any of his stupid rabbits and to stop knocking on her windows or she'll call the police. The nerve of that guy. It's not her fault he can't finish a magic trick. What? Oh these rabbits. No these or hers. She had them waaaaay before that magician even started performing across the road. Yes it is a coincidence. Mrs Morning says go away!å